This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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