do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
