I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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