his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The air taste purple.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
