She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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