i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
