he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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