So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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