2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
