so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize