I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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