drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your shirt... Was in my pants
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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