i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
pray to the hookup gods
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
