My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
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After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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