his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
