Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
