He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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