Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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