can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
