Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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