My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
