From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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