I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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