Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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