my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
