my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
