Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
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The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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