Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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