awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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