just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
