Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
