I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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