i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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