Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
