There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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