Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?