You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
