Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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