y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
