it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
