I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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