im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
