she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
