Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
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Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish