I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
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Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
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IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.