I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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