drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do you have feelings for this penis?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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