every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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