it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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