Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
