Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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