Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
