Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
