when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
