Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Four minutes until I can fart!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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